Why Me? Why My Baby?

Shock, pain, guilt, anger, sadness, shame. Those are some of the emotions I felt on December 4, 2005. I got married in 2003 to a wonderful man. My husband is loving, supportive, and most importantly God fearing. Having a family was something we both wanted, so we were thrilled when in August 2005 my home pregnancy test showed positive.

One week after I took the pregnancy test, I had an appointment with the OB-GYN to confirm the pregnancy. This was the first time my husband had ever been in a Gynecologist's office. We were giggling like school children. We couldn't believe we were going to be parents. The doctor did an ultrasound, and we both heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard-my baby's heartbeat. It was all so very exciting.

In the first trimester I didn't have any "morning sickness". Instead I had morning, noon, and night sickness. I couldn't keep anything down. My senses of smell and taste were distorted.  Everything I tasted was unappealing, and everything I smelled was offensive. Veggie burgers were the worst, the smell of them cooking in the toaster oven repulsed me. My husband's cologne and aftershave that used to be my favorites smelled just as good as Kerosene.

I missed a lot of days from work because of the nausea and vomiting. Co-workers would tell me that being this sick during pregnancy was a good sign - a sign of a strong pregnancy.

My doctor was aware of my sickness and advised me to eat small meals throughout the day and not to let my stomach get empty. This was easier said than done, since everything I ate tasted foreign. But, once I was out of the first trimester, the morning sickness ceased. I had no nausea or vomiting, and my senses of smell and taste were back to normal. I was happy that I was able to eat all the foods I had avoided-like my veggie burgers. The end of the morning sickness couldn't have happened at a better time. Thanksgiving was around the corner, and I couldn't wait to dig into all the delicious dishes my parents prepare during our traditional family gathering.

The Tuesday after Thanksgiving I had a stomachache. Nothing unusual about it, it just felt the way it feels after you eat something that doesn't agree with you. I wasn't concerned about it, I just assumed it would go away on it's own. But it didn't. Wednesday morning I woke up to find that I felt the same way. So, at 6;00 AM I called my doctor's office.

The covering MD, who happened to be the assistant chief, asked the usual questions. How far along are you? Are you bleeding? Tell me the location of the pain.

I was 4 months pregnant, I was not bleeding, and the pain was below my belly button and on my upper thighs. The doctor explained to me that this is called round ligament pain, which is the pain you get around the second trimester due to muscle stretching that happens to accommodate the growing baby. He told me to take some Ibuprophen or Tylenol. I took the Tylenol which minimized the pain, but it didn't relieve it.

Late Wednesday afternoon I called my doctor's office, because the pain was still with me. She scheduled an appointment for that very same day. She listened to the baby's heartbeat, checked my cervix and found that everything was normal. I told her that the pain was now in a wave-like pattern. She agreed with the covering MD's diagnosis of round ligament pain. She gave me a note to stay home from work. I drove home and stayed off my feet once I arrived home.

Thursday and Friday the pain was still there. My husband implored me to let him take me to the ER. But, I kept telling him this pain is normal. Two OBG-GYN with 40 years experience between them told me that this was normal muscle stretching pain that all pregnant women experience. Saturday morning I woke up feeling much better, the pain had not gone away, but it decreased considerably. I was feeling great. Saturday night my husband and I had a large meal and hung out in our basement for movie night. I eventually fell asleep and left him watching the movie by himself.

Then, around midnight this incredibly intense pain in my stomach woke me out of my sleep. I immediately called the doctor's office. On the other end of the line was the same covering MD that first diagnosed the round ligament pain. I was moaning as I was telling him how bad the pain was. I also told him that I felt like having a bowel movement. He once again told me to take 2 Ibuprophen, or I could choose to go to the ER if I wanted to and he would order a stronger pain medication.

My husband said, "We are going to the ER". He had had enough.

This time I was in total agreement with him. The pain was so bad, that I was doubled over, I couldn't walk upright. And I also felt as though I needed to pass a bowling ball. It was December 4, 2005 a cold and snowy night, my husband went out to clean the snow off the car for us to leave to the ER.

I told him, "I'll go to the bathroom, have this bowel movement, then we can leave."

Because of the intense pain I literally crawled up the basement stairs on my hands and knees straight to our bathroom. I felt this incredible pressure and assumed that I was constipated, so I pushed with all my might, and felt great relief that I was able to get it out. I felt so good. The pain was gone. I then stood up (upright), I looked in the bowl and was stunned to see my baby face down in the toilet bowl.

I was in shock, but oddly enough I was very calm. I gently scooped my baby out of the bowl I sat back down and turned the baby around to see what sex it was. It was a beautiful baby boy, and he was gasping for air and flexing his little arms and legs. He was perfect, he was a miniature version of my husband. I remember studying his face and everything about him. He had my husband's pronounced shoulders, and my long fingers and toes. His fingernails were long, he didn't have any hair, and had the cutest little chin. I knew it was impossible to save a baby of only 18 weeks of gestation. So, I held him until he took his last breath.

My husband came into the bathroom after cleaning the snow off the car, and was floored to see me holding our son. He immediately called 911 and I was rushed to the hospital.

When I arrived at the hospital they took me straight to the maternity floor. The nurses were thoughtful to put me in a room far away from the nursery where I wouldn't have to hear the cry of the babies. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, it all felt like a dream. I quickly realized it was not a dream when they cut the umbilical cord and gave me the baby to hold. That's the time reality hit, then I started to cry uncontrollably. Nothing or no one could console me. Not the nurses, not the social worker, not even my husband. I had never cried this much in my life.

I had the most wonderful nurses, they were kind and compassionate. The doctor on duty, on the other hand, was cold and business-like. I spent one night in the hospital then I was discharged. But before I left the nurses brought my baby for me to hold one last time, for as long as I needed to. These wonderful nurses dressed my baby in a beautiful gown, and the cutest little knitted blue cap.

I stroked his soft skin and kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry that I lost you. I'm sorry I stayed at home in pain and didn't go to the ER sooner. It's all my fault."

When I got home I went straight to bed and cried for days. I was numbed with grief. I took an extended leave of absence from work, because frankly, I didn't want to be bombarded with questions, and I didn't want any pity. But I think the main reason that I took a long leave was also because I was one of six women at work that was pregnant. And I was the only one who lost her baby.

Once the word got out that I lost the baby there was an outpouring of sympathy and condolences from friends and family. Cards, flowers, plants, even food was delivered to my house. It was very touching, and I deeply appreciated it.

The people that were the most instrumental in helping me to heal from this, were the women who shared with me their own experiences with miscarriage. After I lost my baby I felt extremely alone. It made me feel as though I was the only one in the world who had ever gone through this. Intellectually I knew it wasn't so, but that was the feeling nonetheless. After these women opened up and shared their stories with me I no longer felt alone. I am eternally grateful.

I got pregnant a second time and in my second pregnancy I started to have pain when I was four months along, just as I had in my first pregnancy prior to my miscarriage. The pain was confirmed by ultrasound as being contractions. My new OB-GYN prescribed oral medication to stop the contractions and I was placed on complete bed rest. Because of these interventions I was able to carry my baby to term. We now have a beautiful daughter who's 2 1/2 years old, and she is the joy of our lives. I often wonder if these interventions had been done in my first pregnancy, perhaps my son would have been here with us today.

About the Author:

Ivette Dianeiza Griffith,--shares her heart wrenching story to remind women that at times a second opinion may not be enough when it comes to our health. It is our right, and our duty..

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